Choices

So, I decided to give another clomid cycle a shot. I'm not sure if I'll proceed with the IUI if I only have one potential follie. I only have three more and I really want one of these to work, obviously. If we proceed and this one doesn't work then we will need to discuss our next steps for the last two.

Sometimes I feel very at peace with my IF now. I feel like a part of me is trying to let it go. Right after I had B&G I was so angry still. Angry that I had to go through it, angry that I wanted to have more, but couldn't do it like everyone else, angry that so many other women so deserving of having a baby couldn't. But after my two failed attempts, I feel like I need to let it go. I also felt guilty. Guilty that we conceived twins after just one IUI. Now that we've had two failed IUIs, I don't think I feel like such an IF fraud. Like maybe there is something wrong with us.  For some reason that makes me feel better. I don't know why.

I just know that I cannot carry around so much anger anymore. I am so blessed and I need to appreciate what I have and live each day to the fullest. Perhaps my new perspective comes from my father having stage four colon cancer? Again, I don't know, but I do know that his diagnosis has made me realize that tomorrow isn't a guarantee.

I still get sad sometimes. Sad that there are still some ladies out there that haven't had their babies yet. Sad because my sister now has to go on clomid since she hasn't been ovulating since her m/c. Sad that some horrible mothers get pregnant just by sleeping with some random guy.

I'm sure I'll get sad sometimes in the future as well. My SIL was talking about having a third. I'm sure when they do, I'll have that pang of sadness, but mostly I just still can't imaging what it would be like to just decide to have a baby and bam you're pregnant.

But I've got to choose my attitude. Choose to be happy with that gifts I have been given.

How can I not be when I get spend every day with these two lovies: