Today I woke up on the really grumpy side of the bed. I’m not sure why, but if I could just run out of work, go home and bury my head under the covers, I would feel fine.
I think it started with the bad dream I had last night about my appointment this upcoming Friday. I was already feeling nervous about this appointment. I feel like if all goes well, we have a good chance of both babies being okay. What’s funny is that we have a 90% chance of everything being fine, why am I consumed by a measly 10%. I need to stop!
The other thing that is sort of bothering me is my family. My parents are great parents. I grew up in a house where I never had to wonder just how much they loved me. But they have always been very opinionated about my life. They hated the fact that I waited until 31 to get married. I was always a little bit different than my mom, dad and sister. I didn’t dream of marriage since a child, and kids weren’t on my radar until I turned 30. Then it took us a while to actually get pregnant. During this time they gave a lot of “just relax” advice.
Then my mom found out it was twins, her response is that “God gave us two because we had to wait so long.” Please keep in mind that she was referring to my father and her, not me and Mr. W. My mother got married at 17, had me at 19 so she is only 52 right now. Not really that old. People traditionally get married and have children younger where I grew up so I think my parents always viewed me as a bit of an old maid.
To top it off, I don’t like overly emotional situations. If I’m with a group of people and things get intense my initial reaction is to crack a joke. I come from a family of criers. So they have been very super emotional about the babies whereas I just want to make it to the second trimester before I allow myself to really get excited. I am thrilled to be pregnant, but I just feel like keeping a cap on it for now. I actually think I like having it as my secret. Maybe after keeping IF as a secret, I just can’t let go of internalizing things.
I don’t think they can understand why I’m not like them. I don’t understand why either. I just wish they could accept me for who I am.
I don’t know where this is going; I guess I just needed to ramble.
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Please feel free to ramble! I can't believe your mother looks at these babies as a gift to her and her "due"! Sheesh. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all of this. It is really hard to be different from your family and not know how to get them to give you what you need.
ReplyDeleteThinking every positive thought I have for your u/s on Friday!
Keep focusing on that 90%! It's the only thing that's going to help you not go insane until Friday. As for your family, that has to be frustrating. Just know that it's okay to not be like them, even if they don't accept you for who you are. You are your own person and that's a really good thing.
ReplyDeleteI hope you break out of this funk soon. And don't worry about rambling. That's what we are here for. :)
sorry you had a funky day (or having). I'm finding that a lot of ppl have a lot of opinions about everything - and at first I was very defensive but I get that they have their own ways and grew up in a different world than the one we live in now. Hopefully you don't let your family get to you - we need to be like ducks, just let it slide right off us! (k i know that's not the saying but I think you get what i mean?) :) hang in there sister
ReplyDeleteSorry you're not feeling good today {{{HUGS}}} Those preggo dreams can be so realistic that they are overwhelming. Sorry your family has so many opinions about how you should feel...hopefully they come around.
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