I have a friend that is also having twin boys (any day now!) via IVF. We went to high school together and I didn't know what was happening to her until after she announced her pregnancy.
The other day she had a photo on f.acebook and she looks great at 36 weeks. I made a comment which led to another one of my HS friends to send me a message. She has two kids and we were messaging back and forth and I found out that both she and another girl I went to high school had suffered two losses a piece. The other girl has not gone on to have a baby yet, but is still hopeful.
It made me think about how you just never know what someone else is going through. I only graduated with 46 people total. To have four out of less than 30 girls suffer (that I know of) from IF just blows my mind. It makes me sad that we don't often find out about these things until much later. And it makes me sad that IF is such a taboo subject.
The further along I become in my own pregnancy, I tell most people that we had trouble conceiving, but don't go in to much detail. I think that it is still something that is private. After all, I don't ask for the dirty details from someone that conceived naturally. When it comes to close friends, I'll tell them what we had to do.
I just wonder what women do when they don't have the support network of message boards or blogs to ask questions and get it all out.
I don't know exactly what I'm trying to get to with this post, but I think that I'm mainly sad to know how many people suffer from IF. So many people that are deserving of children that cannot have them the way we always dreamed we would have. Sometimes I hate the loss of innocence that IF has given me, but many more times I'm thankful to know that I'm a much more compassionate person because of it.
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I so agree with you that IF is a taboo subject. I am so happy to have found this community because I don't have anyone in my life that has gone through this. I think most people shy away from talking about it because for most of us it is an upsetting experience - lots of us have had miscarriages and it causes us to feel pain. I think we don't want to draw that kind of attention to ours either - don't want people pitying us. But on the other hand, we so need to talk about it. I haven't told many of my friends about my struggle and it is hard because there are times when I would like to, but I feel like they won't understand. I believe you truly have to live this to understand it. It does make you more compassionate and makes us hold very close to the community of women who have been there too.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I recently told one of my long distance friends who has 2 kids about recent miscarriage and she let me know she had 2 miscarriages in between both her kids which I never knew.
My cousin and his wife have had two miscarriages and have been trying longer than my DH and I have. She and I only talked about it after I had a miscarriage as well. Even then, we didn't talk much. I tried to offer an ear, but we're just not close (literally or figuratively) and it didn't really work out. From my aunt, though, I know that she doesn't have a support system of women who know what she's going through. I don't know how she can make it through this without it. Without the message boards and now the blog-world I don't know how I would have survived the past two years.
ReplyDeleteIt is amazing how many women you talk to have been through this when you finally do bring it up, though. But, it is so hard to do. I'm just not an "in your face" kind of girl and I tend not to talk about much of anything personal. So, unless someone else brings it up, I'm unlikely to reveal it. It's not that I'm hiding it, I just don't talk about personal things.
I agree it is sad =( I also agree that suffering from it makes people more compasionate and more aware that you just never know what others are going through...
ReplyDeleteWe definitely need more awareness. I agree it's a social taboo.
ReplyDeleteThe other day, at a work outing, my collegue's GF, who got pg on the pill and is expecting asked me if we were planning to have kids. I just spitted out. I told her we just lost one, and we have been trying for a while. She stopped talking. So i think people need to know more about this, and for many reasons. It would mean more support, and maybe less hurt.