Before I left for maternity leave they changed the FMLA policy making me no longer eligible for benefits. I never pushed that I should be grandfathered into the policy since they changed it after I would have been protected. Maybe I was hoping they might just get rid of me and then I could just stay home with the boys.
I emailed my supervisor in mid-November asking her if I would still be eligible to return after 12 weeks and she told me I would and then asked me if January 3 would be my start date. What? January 3? I am not ready at all to go back full-time. I thought I might feel this way, but I didn't realize how strongly I would feel about it. I think originally I was nervous about the over $2,000 price tag for day car for twins. Now I can't imagine leaving them every day. I just don't want to go back full-time. I never responded to the email and I've gotten a few more and I've buried my head in the sand and haven't responded. Last night I got one to my personal account marked urgent and I need to reply today. I'm going to ask about working part-time which I know they will refuse. I just know they will.
So now I feel like a liar for acting like I would go back when I don't want to now. My husband is gone about 13+ hours a day and I know we would have no work life balance if I go back as I would be the one to race home, pick up the boys, feed them, bath them, put them to bed and then try to run household. The other option would be a nanny who could keep up with some household chores while I worked which would take some of the burden off, but do I want to work to give well over 50% of my salary to someone else to raise the boys. After taxes I wouldn't even clear enough to pay my expenses.
I know what I want to do and I just need to do it, but I don't want to burn any bridges with my job. And it makes me nervous to quit and try to find something else in this economy. Part of me wonders will I lose some of my identity staying at home? But I actually really like it. I like taking care of the boys, the house, cooking, etc. It feels really weird to admit that. I feel like I'm supposed to be desperate to go back to work to escape these tasks or at least feel burdened by them. Too many emotions for 9:00 a.m. I better go shower and get some coffee to clear my head.
If you made it this far, I'll share a photo of the boys getting ready to cheer for the Eagles! Go team!! Can you see the excitement? Ha!
Oh goodness, going back to work or staying home is such a hard decision. It seems like so many of my friends who were so sure they would return to work have not and vice versa. I have always loved working, feeling independent, making my own money, etc. but I would have stayed home if we could have afforded it.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you could explain to your manager that you are struggling with the decision and ask if you could work part time for 30 days to see how things would work. I found that after I got into a routine it wasn't so bad to be back. Not that I don't miss her like crazy.
Not sure that was helpful but some thoughts at least =)
It is so tough to know what to do. I am in a similar boat although I know with twins it is different. I have unfortunately decided to still go back on the 3rd. I wish you the best with deciding what to do.
ReplyDeleteSuch a tough decision to make. I hope that you can figure out the best thing to do and the best way to do it! It is definitely OK to be enjoying staying at home with the boys!
ReplyDeleteGoing back to work is definitely the most difficult thing that I've had to do since having Kaitlin. I think what you are describing, part-time, theoretically would work, however, I have found that parttime daycare for infants is practically non-existent.
ReplyDeleteFWIW, don't stress about your employer and just do what feels right to you for the immediate time being. You might change your mind somewhere down the road and decide to go back ... and if you do, that's okay too!
Good luck! Your boys are adorable!