Negativo

My box from a.mazon arrived yesterday.  So I went upstairs and took my first pregnancy test in months and I just saw one line starting back at me. You know, I thought I would feel relieved. I just had two children, which I'm incredibly thankful for; my body is still recovering; and having three children under two would make it so hard to give each child individual attention (something I constantly struggle with every day). So when I just saw the one pink line I though I would feel elated, but instead I just felt sad. Sad that I don't think we'll have anymore children. Before I had the boys, I would have told myself to shut the f up and enjoy my twins (which I do). I think I'm mostly sad that I don't feel like I have the option. Most people have one and then "plan" when to have number two or more. I guess it bums me out that wouldn't be the case for us.  I know as much as I say that we aren't TTC or TTA I will always feel a little bit let down each month that we didn't get a surprise miracle. Having the twins softens the blow considerably, but the ache is still there.

Then the guilt sets in, the guilt that at least I have children and I absolutely should not be feeling this way. I should be happy with what I have, and I'm thrilled. I just wish I had the option, I wish we all did.